It pisses me off when people have secrets of looking good or saving money or something and don’t share them. It’s fucking annoying and tacky. Like when someone asks a skinny actress how they stay thin and they’re like “I cook and walk my dogs and play the guitar!” and they really have a tape worm and starve themselves and work out three hours a day and do meth twice a week because it speeds up your metabolism. I just hate that phony shit. If I know about something that’s going to solve your problems, I want to tell you about it. Because number one, I love you, and two, my karma is so fucked I need to do some nice things so I don’t fall into a vat of acid or something that will make me look even older than I already do.
Shoes are a very big thing for me. First of all, I am a size ten. I know. It’s humiliating. No guy wants to suck on a girls foot who is a size ten. It takes like thirty minutes and you’ll probably get lock jaw. Also, stores don’t order a lot of tens so the good shoes in a ten are always sold out way early because Janice Dickinson or Geena Davis or transvestites get to the tens first. Damn sluts.
Also, most shoes suck. Sorry. There’s a reason I wear sneakers all the time. It’s not just to make you all think I’m a lesbian and to make sure men never want to have sex with me. My personality already does that. I wear sneakers because they’re fucking comfortable. Shoes today are insane. Steve Madden must be responsible for at least a thousand broken ankles and even more cases of herpes. Susan Boyle would look like a whore in his shoes. And most shoe lines are either like 5 inch heels, which is great if you want to have suicidal tendencies and walk like you’re limping away from a villain with a chainsaw in a horror movie, or they’re a lame ass geriatric Ann Taylor-y Aerosoles situation. I feel like there’s no in between for people who have jobs and nerve endings, but also want to look cute.
And normally when I buy shoes, it’s for something very specific. I think we’re all like that right? We’re looking for kicks to match something for a wedding or an outfit or whatever. Like for the Hasselhoff Roast I had a blue dress so i needed to find blue shoes. It was impossible. I mean, Elvis wrote a song about it and they still didn’t exist. They had to be this exact blue and I couldn’t find them, so I settled for some weird shit that didn’t match. I looked like Ru Paul at a barbeque. I don’t even know what that means but I looked like an idiot. But Seth McFarlane did say that I have “a face for radio and a body for rape” at some point in the show so at least that cheered me up.
And when did shoes start being 3 or 4 hundred dollars? Yo, Stuart Wietzman, read a fucking newspaper. I’m glad you kept your last name because most people would have changed it, but the economy is a disaster. If I’m going to spend that much on shoes, they better be exactly what I want. I imagine men think the same thing about hookers.
My point is, I’m about to solve your problems. There is a company now where you can DESIGN YOUR OWN SHOE. Milkandhoneyshoes.com. You can make whatever you want. Make up any shoe in your head and you can have it. Are you processing this? I am not kidding. You can pick the heel height, if you want straps, to add a platform, any fabric you want and any color you want. YOU CAN ADD A BOW. You guys know how much I love bows in both ironic and non-ironic ways. Could this be more amazing and life changing? Ladies, take a second to enjoy that orgasm you’re having before you continue reading. Guys, if you get a gift certificate to this site for your woman, you too can have an orgasm in your future.
I went to the site and made a replica of my favorite shoes I got like 5 years ago that I love but they were all busted up with vomit and tear stains. So at this site I made the exact same shoe since the brand doesn’t make it anymore. That’s power. I wore the pair on The Tonight Show when Conan was hosting. I don’t know if you can see them but they are light and dark purple. And they have a two inch heel since my health insurance isn’t especially awesome and I can’t be fucking around with super high heels. I mean, Fergie must have great health insurance. And in this photo you can’t really see her but Bryce Dallas Howard’s engagement ring is SO big. I guess that’s what happens when you have a good childhood and don’t wear sweatpants on dates.
Notice this is the only time i’ve ever worn high heels on TV. Because these shoes don’t suck balls. Also, I have friends who are vegan and don’t wear leather and Milk and Honey will make cruelty free shoes. Pam Anderson, are you listening? PETA approved. I know we’re in a fight because I called you a whore at the Hasselhoff Roast but it was a JOKE! I was kidding. I don’t think you have AIDS, okay? Are we cool? So, I know normally I trash a lot of companies and products on here and usually just talk about vaginas and how lonely I am, but I can actually say that milkandhoneyshoes.com is the illest shit ever because it makes my life easier unlike my family and everyone I’ve ever had sex with.
Now if we could just get a site like this to design custom sex toys I’d never have to leave the house.
P.S. I didn’t buy the trolley because one of you pointed out how small it was.
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- truettogden said: I’m so glad I could help you with the trolley. I’m also going to be a shoe designer if I ever graduate… so… there’s that…
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- jcordelia said: I love that you used the phrase “illest shit ever”. I’m sold.
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- cvxn said: Have you experienced the thrill of Google image searching “convertible shoes” yet? Life-changing! Also, I think you should embrace accessory contrast over matchiness. Red shoes: not just for hookers & children anymore! (Well, probably still mostly.)
- jaimelannistered said: My mouth watered. Literally watered reading this. This is that sign I’ve been looking for. Goodbye kidney and self dignity. Hello kitten heels in every single color.
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