I have a very complicated relationship with spandex. The first thing that usually comes to mind when I think of spandex is biking shorts, which makes me think of spinning, which I can’t do because the bike seat hurts my vagina. I don’t know if everyone else knows about some sort of tucking tactic or something, but my vagina just can’t really handle a germ infested hard bike seat gnawing at it for an hour. Also, spinning sucks.
Now, pretty much my biggest priority in life is dressing comfortably. I literally have a cornucopia of sweatpants, pajama and pants sweat shorts. I even have a colorful array of linen drawstring pants only to be rivaled by Javier Bardem’s wardrobe in Vicky Christina Barcelona. I like wearing very casual clothes because 1) I’m very passive aggressive 2) the more casually you’re dressed, the less likely someone is going to talk to you or make eye contact 3) my vagina is a brat. It requires a tremendous amount of space to be happy.
Now, I used to be very stressed out by leggings. For a couple reasons. First of all, I don’t like clothes to be named after body parts. I don’t like turtlenecks for the same reason. Well, I also don’t like turtlenecks because they make you look like a child molester, but you get it.
I also was fighting leggings because I don’t like trends. My dad was never around as a kid and anything that comes and goes really triggers some deep abandonment issues. One time almost had a nervous breakdown when I went to the Estee Lauder counter and they had discontinued my lipstick. I mean, they were doing me a favor because it was a terrible dark brown color I was wearing in the mid 90’s when I was angry and wanted to be Wynona Ryder and thought the only person who understood me was Tori Amos. But that’s not the point. It was an emotional crutch. I need shit to be consistent. When you don’t have a good childhood, you get emotionally attached to material things. Sweatpants won’t come and go because there will always be fat, lazy people. Leggings however…I don’t know. Lohan is in jail, so legging visibility has already diminished considerably. I can’t go getting all attached to leggings if I can’t be wearing them in a year. I’m not emotionally stable enough for that.
Also, trends are usually shitty. They’re always so embarrassing. Remember tiny backpacks? I mean, humiliating. Even though Asian teenagers can’t seem to let go of it, it was a complete disaster. If you needed something from your tiny backpack? Forget it. Every time you needed a quarter you had to swivel like an owl with tourette’s. And Hyper-color t-shirts is probably why everyone’s getting cancer and skorts are single handedly responsible for my low self-esteem.
But I couldn’t get leggings off my mind. I remember one day thinking “the only thing more comfortable than sweat pants and pajamas would be leggings!” but then I tried a bunch on, and you might as well put your labia in a noose. Most leggings are terrible. They are too high-waisted so the spandex starts violently cave diving into your uterus. As you know by now, I spend a tremendous amount of time and energy protecting my and caring for my vagina. I laser it, I spend a lot of money on underwear that doesn’t get in a cage match with it, and I keep guys who have hang nails out of it. So, it would be out of character for me to smush it with violent spandex, as can be seen below.
So I took a hiatus from the leggings idea and discovered those hideous baggy pants where the crotch comes down to your knee that I had seen on Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean and Mary Kate Olsen. Bought em. Love em. The problem is every time I wear them people really worry about my mental health. People mistook my obsession with comfort for insanity.
In a fit of madness and boredom, I recently give leggings another try. In an odd twist of fate (fate being Mastin Kipp of @TheDailyLove fame), I discovered a brand of leggings called LNA. I panicked at first because the brand seems very hip. The girls who founded the line are super hot and have that awesome beachy wavy hair and can pull off a lot of necklaces. Even though I was intimidated, I got some black leggings with zippers down the leg and fucking went for it. Oh my God you guys. Birds sang. Angels wept. Not a yeast infection in sight. They’re amazing.
After much speculation and thought, I figured out why these particular brand of leggings are so great. They’re low waisted. The lower the waist, the less they tug on the ole ladyparts. I’m not kidding when I say zero camel toe. Not even a camel toenail. Unlike most leggings, these don’t fuck with your ability to reproduce. And they’re soft…oh so soft. Wearing them is like a blowjob for your legs.
They make basically every kind of legging you could ever think of. One of them even has tiny pockets small enough to fit some prescription drugs. These are solving my problems on so many levels. And they make great long t-shirts too that I’m going to hoard on a pretty disturbing level.
So, these pants are pretty much my new uniform. Paired of course with my lesbian sneaks.
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- laurie-cakes said: I was intrigued via your lady parts discussion, but once I looked at the prices on the website my interest dropped, because I remember that I’m poor.
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- heathonist said: after riding a bike at least every other day for 2 weeks, your vagina will stop hurting. however, ingrown hairs may become a problem. be sure to exfoliate.
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