Come on! My face.

Apparently I have good skin, which is weird because my whole life I’ve had terrible skin. Like a garbage Pail Kids situation. For me, the battle against bad skin started early. As a teenager i took accutane. My derm told me it would possibly cause “anal leakage,” for my skin to break out more, suicidal tendencies, and deformities in future babies, to which I responded “how soon can i start?”  I took it not once but twice. Most of the side effects he warned against ensued, which also led to other side effects such as not having a prom date, a drinking problem, and having about one iota of self-esteem. On the bright side, the anal leakage didn’t occur but my constant fear it yielded quite a firm tush. However, that still didn’t help on the prom date front. 

Since then, I’ve put everything on my face. I’ve bought every product. I’ve done every facial, every mask, every weird new fad, Wiccan ritual, read the Secret, yelled. Then, at the point in my life when I didnt’ think my skin could get worse, I decided to become a comedian, which is an exhausting life that entails little sleep, lots of smokey clubs, frequent bouts of rage, and a tremendous amount of time spent on dry, oxygenless germ festivals called airplanes (usually the source of the bouts of rage.) So, I promptly began aging really fast. Within a year I looked like Larry King  and had huge blue under eye bags. Seriously, if I shaved my head I could have joined the blue man group or at the very least have intangible proof that I’d be alone forever. 

Right on the brink of giving up, I discovered this cream by Weleda. I only shop at natural food stores now because I’m insanely paranoid about chemicals in food and cosmetics. I started buying all natural shampoo, deodorant, creams, etc. Just as a side note, I’ve noticed since I’ve been using them that I’m much less insane, although I do sometimes smell like a pig in a blanket.  

I have a friend who’s even more crazy about this stuff than I am. She makes her own soap and only eats from her garden. And yes, she is unemployed. Well, sometimes she sells the soap. Anyway, one day I was in her house using the bathroom. When I use friends or even strangers restrooms I feel completely comfortable if not entitled to open their cabinets and try their perfumes, creams, or other toiletries that interest me or look expensive. 

I came across this Weleda Skin Food and my eyes rolled back into my head. It smelled so good. It’s very thick. Sexy thick. From then on I was hooked. I’m like a dog with a bone with this kind of stuff. I went and bought like 4 tubes of it, terrified that they would discontinue it or something (abandonment issues much?) So, I’ve been using it ever since every day and night. I put it everywhere (except on my asshole) and all over my face. I slather it on multiple times when i fly. 

I always carry creams around in my bag, which always results in a cream explosion that turns it into a swampy mess.  Cream just doesn’t understand how expensive bags are now. The packaging of the skin food is so great because the tube can’t break and the cream is so thick that it can’t leak, so it won’t look like someone jerked off in your purse. If someone did indeed jerk off in your purse, I can’t really help you there. 

Anyway, from what I understand it seems that I’ve pulled a Benjamin Button looks wise and this product can be the only reason. Due to this product and I now look only 10 years older than I am, opposed to 30 years older than I am. People seriously ask me if I’ve gotten a face lift, which I happen to take as a huge compliment. Although, if I was going to get plastic surgery, do you really think that’s where I’d start? (indicate sternum.) 

So, there it is. By the way, if this starts selling out so I can’t get it, I will blow up the Internet. Also, Tyra Banks is on my flight and she’s wearing 4 inch heels. Traitor.