This post is about shoes. I know some guys are going to call bullshit on this. To you I say: calm the fuck down. Computers aren’t made only for watching things go in holes. Let’s take a break from stranger’s vaginas for five minutes. Let’s class it up. Women’s shoes do apply to you, guys, because half the time we yell at you it’s because our feet are killing us. Our feet are being torn up on a daily basis and we need to take it out on someone. Trust me, if I ever met steve Madden I will punch him in the neck, but since he’s probably in some basement somewhere putting needles in a Kenneth Cole voodoo doll and thinking of new ways to snap women’s ankles in half, I’m going to have to take it out on the closest man who doesn’t deserve it. My feet are bleeding and throbbing and you happen to be friends with one two many random girls on Facebook, so let’s fucking put our relationship in jeopardy.

I always feel like guys ask “Why do women wear heels if they hurt their feet?” First of all don’t act like it’s such an obvious question. You guys engage in much more masochistic shit than we do. Football? You put a helmet and pads on your body. You’re preparing for blows to your HEAD. You’re inviting someone whose job it is to be a badass monster to ram into where your brain is.  We wear heels because you guys are shallow and you like women in heels. Is it the chicken or the idiot? 

High heels are assholes. I mean, there’s a reason Victoria Beckham never smiles. Look at her feet. She’s in some 6 inch heels and if she moves, either one of her toes is going to be sliced off or she’s going to take a dirt nap in front of a billion photographers. She’s also a robot and at some point needs to deal with the fact that her husband is a flaming homosexual, but that’s beside the point.

Enough about gay David Beckham. I recently found some amazing wedges that I can’t stop wearing. And I am using the word amazing in terms of what it meant before people started using it to mean “fine.” These shoes are not making me have nervous breakdown. The fact that I’m out of Ativan is, but these shoes are not. They’re by Cole Haan and let me tell you something. Cole Haan has gotten cute as hell. Most shoes that are designed for comfort get all Jane Goodall meets Whoopie on you, but their stuff is awesome and dare I say…sexual.

On the website when you order the shoe you can get it in various width sizes which is very good because I have some obese ass bony feet and most heels are too narrow for me and within twenty minutes of wearing them I’m yelling lines from “Mommie Dearest” at myself in a mirror. It’s not a particularly cute situation. To shitty, uncomfortable heels I’d like to say: UNSUBSCRIBE. 

P.S. The deodorant works.