Folks, the Secret works. I’ve been writing about sex toys on this thing for the past month or so and now they’re showing up at my doorstep. Seriously, I’m getting sent like, boxes of sex toys. Every day is like Christmas morning for my vagina.
I’ve gotten glow in the dark dildos, which I guess are for like Star Wars nerds or something? I mean, what is the point of a dildo glowing in the dark? A glow in the dark vagina could have some use, but if you can’t find something is that’s in your own hand, you’ve got bigger problems.
I’m trying not to write about all this stuff because I feel like this blog is starting to be exclusively about vaginas. I mean, I have a mother. But, I got one today that I feel the need to write about because it made me realize that I have no idea how my vagina actually works. In fact, I don’t even know who my vagina is anymore.
I was sent a sex toy from a brand called JimmyJane. Jimmyjane is a very upscale, cool sex toy brand. Most sex shop websites are trashy with bad web design and cheesy models who look like they’ve spent a hundred years on the surface of the sun. This site is just very clean and refreshing. I don’t have to stress about some whore in clear heels and I don’t have to play wack a mole with pop up ads.
They have lots of toys. One is called the “iconic rabbit” which is absolutely terrifying. This is for people who like vibrators, but also happen to be batshit insane.
That movie Watership Down pretty much ruined rabbits for me. Creepy old dudes dressing up as the Easter bunny at the mall next to Claire’s Accessories didn’t really help either.
Most vibrators are really ugly. I mean, penises aren’t particularly charming, so it makes sense that vibrators aren’t, but I really draw the lines at those gross fake veins. I don’t think anyone has ever been using a vibrator and thought “man this would feel so much better if it had more plastic creepy veins.”
I was sent the Form 2. On the box it says the vibrator is “phthalate-free,” which makes me very happy. If I can’t pronounce it, I don’t want it in my cooter. Same reason I won’t sleep with guys named Juan. Most vibrators are made out of things chock full of chemicals and carcinogens. I mean, vibrators are probably better for me than the average real penis I’d encounter in Los Angeles, but still not particularly awesome for the ladyparts. I’m fine with getting cancer from cell phones but from dildos? That’s just embarrassing.
The box also says “bath safe.” God I love warnings. Warnings always give me good ideas. Vibrators in the bath! Why haven’t I ever thought of that?! Use it and clean it at the same time! I. Love. Multi-tasking.
So I opened the box and man is this thing precious. It’s a jaunty little thing. Frankly, it’s downright adorable. It looks like a chubby cartoon crab claw. And it’s PINK. I mean, cute as a fucking button. So cute, in fact, that I’m charging it on my desk. (I have class.)
I like it because it’s not trying to be a penis. The problem with this little tike, however, is I have no idea how to use it. I like to think of myself as somewhat of an expert on all things vag, but I seriously have no clue where to even start with this. Butt hole?
But folks, we’re good. Because I am not a quitter. I was not raised to give up. I’m gonna figure this out. If you don’t hear from me for a while it’s because I either figured it out and it’s awesome or because I have carpel tunnel syndrome. Or have something stuck in my butt hole.