July 2010
19 posts
Last year I went to Dubai and Lebanon to do shows. It was very fascinating. I was under the impression that the women there had to be covered up all the time, so I showed up in a snuggie. Literally I wrapped scarves around myself like an idiot. When I got to Dubai I was very confused because many of the women were walking around like they were in an R Kelly video. When I saw women dressed like...
The other night on Chelsea’s show I was outed for wearing Granny panties. You know what, everyone? Fuck you. I wear granny panties and I’m proud of it. So what if nobody is ever going to marry me. It was not a joke for the show, I really do wear them all the time when I’m not trying to woo a mister. Here’s a couple other times I was busted.
This was in San Deigo I...
OHMYGOD. If you don’t want to think about sweaty vaginas, read no further. So, I spend an embarrassing amount of time talking about swampy Spanx. This is when your Spanx get all sweaty and sticky because you’re dancing around your apartment in ankle weights to Ke$ha and you air conditioner is broken. Oh, just me? Whatever the reason your Spanx are swampy, it’s not a cute...
Folks, the Secret works. I’ve been writing about sex toys on this thing for the past month or so and now they’re showing up at my doorstep. Seriously, I’m getting sent like, boxes of sex toys. Every day is like Christmas morning for my vagina.
I’ve gotten glow in the dark dildos, which I guess are for like Star Wars nerds or something? I mean, what is the point of a dildo glowing in the dark? A...
I have a very complicated relationship with spandex. The first thing that usually comes to mind when I think of spandex is biking shorts, which makes me think of spinning, which I can’t do because the bike seat hurts my vagina. I don’t know if everyone else knows about some sort of tucking tactic or something, but my vagina just can’t really handle a germ infested hard bike seat gnawing at it for...
WatchI am a very jumpy person. Here is me getting spooked part three. I think the most embarrassing part is that I was talking about Lindsay Lohan as I was coming out of the bathroom. Lindsay is a pretty major part of my pee routine.
I love tattoos. Obsessed. I’d get one if I wasn’t so terrified of commitment. I also happen to be very vain. I don’t want to get a tattoo of big tiger or something then in thirty years it looking like my varicose veins exploded. Maybe I’m exaggerating. Maybe it would just look like a very lethargic tiger. Either way, it’s not going to be a cute situation. I have a feeling that in thirty years I’m...
WatchThe Comedy Central Roast of David Hasselhoff is coming up. It airs August 15th. On the show will be such dazzling stars as Hulk Hogan, George Hamilton, Pam Anderson, and Jerry Springer. I’ve started writing jokes for it, so I’ve got Hepatitis on the brain. I was prompted to go back and see what the hell I did last year and I thought I’d share it with you. My reactions upon seeing...
Very few things get me excited. I actually can’t think of many things aside from Reed Alexander, frozen yogurt, and people who have a dot net but take themselves really seriously. But baby wipes. Ooh. Me finding a new brand of baby wipes makes me feel like what most girls must feel like when they get engaged: relieved, secure, validated, safe, loved. I use baby wipes like four times a day....
Rest easy, folks. I’m not as outraged as usual. Today I discovered Reed Alexander. Google him as soon as you finish reading this post about asses. Let me start by saying that I’m thrilled that the new female anatomy fetish is asses. Times were tough when it was boobs. I could hardly make ends meet. I mean, I was paying for my own meals. The future looked bleak. Now that it’s...
One of my favorite things to do is to type in the beginning of a question on Google and see what the most popular derivatives of that question are. If you’ve seen me live recently you’ve seen me yell about this:
The most popularly Googled question about midgets is if they have night vision. Read that sentence again. Now, I can’t be trusted to rant about this because...
WatchThis is getting embarrassing.
Before I digress, you need to know that these are marble eggs that you put in your vagina to make it tighter. Oddly, I did not find this in the SkyMall catalogue. I really wanted to save this for Easter, but I don’t have that kind of restraint. I mean, moth to a flame.
Now, nobody is more of a perfectionist than me. I used to play basketball and volleyball in high school, and I...
WatchFor some reason whenever I’m on Chelsea Lately with Chris Franjola, I smack him. Seriously. I. Can’t. Help. It. Every time. The editors find it quite a hassle because they have to change shots every time I do it, so I’ve been sent a video to show me exactly how much of an asshole I am.
I bet you think you know where I’m going with this. You think I’m going to trash this product and talk about how dumb it is. You think I’m going to be a total jerk and tear it apart because I have a bitter, negative demeanor which is going to cause me to die alone and spend my late adult life in the Petco sale aisle.
You know what? You’re right. This is ridiculously...
