July 2010
19 posts
June 2010
45 posts
House of Dereon
I love how as soon as someone becomes famous, their sisters, mothers, cousins, and girlfriends become either clothing designers, authors, access hollywood correspondents, or start making hideous handbags. Sometimes they acknowledge the fact that they have no skills and just pose on red carpets with an embarrassing amount of sass. I’m talking to you Amber Rose. And Shiva Rose. As soon as...
So, I’ve heard on more than one occasion that I remind people of Doug Henning. I don’t know if it’s the 70’s flowing bangs, the buck ass teeth, the stupid looking “love me” eyes, the horrible posture, the posing alongside random Egyptian artifacts, or the tight spandex over a flat sternum.
My friend Rob and I and some peeps get together regularly for dinner,...
Come on! My face.
Apparently I have good skin, which is weird because my whole life I’ve had terrible skin. Like a garbage Pail Kids situation. For me, the battle against bad skin started early. As a teenager i took accutane. My derm told me it would possibly cause “anal leakage,” for my skin to break out more, suicidal tendencies, and deformities in future babies, to which I responded “how...
My liver
My new obsession is Sangria. Over are the days when I agonize over wine not having enough vitamin C and fiber while getting trashed. Sangria makes a drinking “problem” seem more like a drinking “solution.”
Ingredients:
1 Bottle of red wine (Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Rioja, Zinfandel, Shiraz)
1 Orange cut into wedges
1 Lime cut into wedges
2 Tbsp sugar
Splash of orange...
WatchMy friends are assholes and they think it’s hilarious to scare me.
How to not look like a Tool
I know I can be pretty hard on how terrible guys dress. I’m especially outraged and disgusted by Tevas, Crocs, shorts with white sneakers, boots with a square toe, shirts with diamonds and/or tigers and dragons on them, and jeans with colored stitching. But, I’m not the kind of person who throws out a problem without providing a solution. So, here we go: how to not dress like a fool...
Okay, so I used to be super against marriage. I grew up around a lot of divorce and never witnessed a happy marriage. It’s not that I’m negative about it, i just genuinely didn’t know marriage could be good. I didn’t watch a lot of TV as a kid (I preferred setting things on fire, drawing on myself, and buying gerbils), so I didn’t even see fake good marriages....
The airport is just a stomping ground for tools. I’m in airports a couple times a week and I’m always stunned by the level of douchebaggery that goes on. In the security line today I came across a couple of unrelentingly stupid idiots. Ed Hardy luggage? Check.
Oversized cheap watch that is never used because the owner doesn’t have a job or anywhere to be? Check.
Chain...
These are candles that are made especially for men. I like this. The fart smell one could also come in handy if you’re a girl who’s planning on moving in with her boyfriend to get used to what your life is about to be like. And if you’re the guy in that same relationship, get the beer one to get one last whiff of what your life used to be like.
www.originalmancandle.com
MONEY SHOT
I just got word that my hour Comedy Central special, “Money Shot,” will be airing on Saturday August 21st. Mark your iCal. Here is a sneak peek-a-boobie.
I modeled my hair do after Al Sharpton.
I’m not sure what I’m doing in the photo but I am definitely embarrassing my family.
Talking about either balls or vaginas.
Toetally Awesome
I’m beside myself. This brings me so much joy. Not only is this underwear designed to hide your camel toe (!), it’s also an unapologetic pun: camelflage. Shameless. If this isn’t a SkyMall item, I don’t know what is.
Now that this is available I guess my aunts will have to find other ways to make me uncomfortable.
http://www.camelflage.com
WatchI’m doing the “Rescue Me” tour with Denis Leary now. We’re doing a bunch of cities and Boston fanatic Lenny Clarke is also on the tour. You know him as Teddy on Rescue Me and from general hilarity. Taking video of him while watching the Celtics-Lakers games with him is one of my favorite things ever. In case it wasn’t blatantly obvious, the person he’s yelling...
And the loser is...
The next person we’re roasting on Comedy Central is David Hasselhoff. What a tool. We tape it at the end of July and it will air August 15th. Now I just need to figure out what I’m wearing. I’m thinking a fancy skort.
Stupid things people have Googled →
Raining cats and idiots
I have numerous online shopping addictions: leggings I never have the balls to wear, lingerie I never have the balls to wear, and jewelry that I have the balls to wear but lose pretty much immediately. I’m now getting into buying random, confusing sexy objects as well, but this is where I draw the line. This is a “bondage cat mask.” This really is asinine unless your intention is...
Vag update
Apparently Yaz birth control is causing heart attacks. You know what else causes heart attacks? Babies.
Hoo HA
I like butterflies as much as the next person. Probably more than the next person. But this. THIS. When I first saw it I thought it was either a really hideous merkin or a really pretty std. The website says it’s a merkin, which means a) there’s officially no limit to peoples stupidity and b) I have to buy it asap. Nobody likes looking like an idiot in the bedroom more than me. Once I made my...
Words of wisdom from Tyrese. You heard me. Tyrese.
“Too many people are buying things they don’t need with money they don’t have to impress people they don’t even like.” - Tyrese’s Twitter feed (@Tyrese4Real)
P.S. Guys, who the fuck is Tyrese?
